Humour: definitions

A chemical is a substance that:

An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
A biochemist turns into a helix.
A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.

Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease.

Chemistry (kem-iss-tree-is-fun, noun.) the science of mixing different substances together for entertainment value - the louder the bang the better!! - it is very similar to cooking....... but never lick the spoon!
EddNet Chemistry 2000

One molar solution: A tooth in a glass of water

Expert: a man who has made all the mistakes, which can be made, in a very narrow field (Niels Bohr)

Scientific literature phrases

It has been long known: I haven't bothered to check the references

It is known: I believe

It is believed that/It is believed that/It may be that: I think

It is generally believed: My collegues and I think

There has been some discussion: Nobody agrees with me

It can be shown: Take my word for it

It is proven: It agrees with something mathematical

Of great theoretical importance: I find it interesting

Of great practical importance: This justifies my employment

Of great historical importance: This ought to make me famous

Some samples were chosen for study: The others didn't make sense

Typical results are shown: The best results are shown

Correct within order of magnitude: Wrong

The values were obtained empirically: The values were obtained by accident

The results are inconclusive: The results seem to disprove my hypothesis

Additional work is required: Someone else can work out the details

It might be argued that: I have a good answer to this objection

The investigations proved rewarding: My grant has been renewed

Synthesised according to standard protocols: Purchased from Sigma

Thanks to Joe Bloggs for expert technical assistance and Jane Doe for valuable discussion: Thanks to Joe Bloggs for doing all the work and Jane Doe for telling me what it meant.

While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions: The experiments didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it

Mus musculus domesticus was chosen as especially suitable to test this hypothesis: Mus musculus domesticus is a lovely animal which is easy to study in the lab

Accidentally strained during mounting: dropped on the floor

Quenched with a vast excess of water: dropped in the water bath

Handled with extreme care throughout the experiments: not dropped on the floor

The compound does not decompose upon storage at 0^oK in the dark: Not stable

Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from the original micrograph: It is impossible to tell from the original micrograph

Presumably at longer times: I didn't take the time to find out

(The agreement with the predicted curve is:)

excellent: fair

good: poor

satisfactory: doubtful

fair: imaginary

as good as could be expected: non-existent

The most reliable values are those of Jones: Jones was a student of mine

It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding: I don't understand it

Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated: Neither does anybody else

It is hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field: This paper isn't very good, but neither are any of the others in this miserable subject

High purity: Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the suppliers

A fiducial reference line on the specimen: A scratch

These results will be in a subsequent report: I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded

In my experience: Once

In case after case: Twice

In a series of cases: Thrice

A highly significant area for exploratory study: A totally useless topic selected by my committee

It has been long known:	I haven't bothered to check the references
It is known:	I believe
It is believed that/It is believed that/It may be that:	I think
It is generally believed:	My collegues and I think
There has been some discussion:	Nobody agrees with me
It can be shown:	Take my word for it
It is proven:	It agrees with something mathematical
Of great theoretical importance:	I find it interesting
Of great practical importance:	This justifies my employment
Of great historical importance:	This ought to make me famous
Some samples were chosen for study:	The others didn't make sense
Typical results are shown:	The best results are shown
Correct within order of magnitude:	Wrong
The values were obtained empirically:	The values were obtained by accident
The results are inconclusive:	The results seem to disprove my hypothesis
Additional work is required:	Someone else can work out the details
It might be argued that:	I have a good answer to this objection
The investigations proved rewarding:	My grant has been renewed
Synthesised according to standard protocols:	Purchased from Sigma
Thanks to Joe Bloggs for expert technical assistance and Jane Doe for valuable discussion:	Thanks to Joe Bloggs for doing all the work and Jane Doe for telling me what it meant.
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions:	The experiments didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it
Mus musculus domesticus was chosen as especially suitable to test this hypothesis:	Mus musculus domesticus is a lovely animal which is easy to study in the lab
Accidentally strained during mounting:	dropped on the floor
Quenched with a vast excess of water:	dropped in the water bath
Handled with extreme care throughout the experiments:	not dropped on the floor
The compound does not decompose upon storage at 0^oK in the dark:	Not stable
Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from the original micrograph:	It is impossible to tell from the original micrograph
Presumably at longer times:	I didn't take the time to find out
(The agreement with the predicted curve is:)
excellent:	fair
good:	poor
satisfactory:	doubtful
fair:	imaginary
as good as could be expected:	non-existent
The most reliable values are those of Jones:	Jones was a student of mine
It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding:	I don't understand it
Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated:	Neither does anybody else
It is hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field:	This paper isn't very good, but neither are any of the others in this miserable subject
High purity:	Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the suppliers
A fiducial reference line on the specimen:	A scratch
These results will be in a subsequent report:	I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded
In my experience:	Once
In case after case:	Twice
In a series of cases:	Thrice
A highly significant area for exploratory study:	A totally useless topic selected by my committee